...Recently someone posed this question to me. "Where do you see yourself in the next five years?" I was embarrassed. ACTUALLY embarrassed...I had no answer, I had no idea! Honestly? Really? Me? I am sure I sputtered something out, although now I have no idea what I actually said in response.
Sure, I know spiritually all the reasons I should have spouted off my incredible visions for the next five years? But I drew a blank, completely...my dreams? my future? the lofty dreams of my youth? they were crushed, first into little rocks, then pebbles, then gravel, sand and eventually dust in the wind that blew them out the door, along w/my future.
I have GRIEVED, the loss of the chance to be a "young" mother or wife, I have grieved the chance to be a mother period...I have grieved my future even ...I have worked very hard to focus on what I have here and now and this one simple question felt like it knocked the wind out of me. I couldnt stop thinking about it, I am sure I seemed distant that weekend, but it was all I could think about like a song in my head...dum,dum, dum "the next five years" ....I cant stop trying to imagine, the next 5 years, I cant stop trying to conjure up something, anything.....blank darkness invaded my psyche ...I prayed endlessly, surely this means I am not saved? Surely this has some correlation to the 70 weeks of Daniel and the book of Revelation? I have read, listened to everything I can get my hands on about having vision, sustaining visions......still.......what is wrong with me?
Sure, I have battled with feelings of inadequacy. I have sat in a group of women from my church and looked around thinking "wow, I dont even compare..I have nothing to offer...they are all so talented and blessed and have children and futures and LIVES" Someone recently told me, I am good only for being a servant...a donkey...God used a donkey only when necessary. Someone told me this blog was too transparent, I would be hurt, I was being too honest! I have been lied to, been lied about...been called viscious mean names.....given up, quit, failed.....me, dream?
All the while, God has been crushing, molding, stripping, making....recently 3 different times actually I taught in 3 different classes... and I didnt pass out....WHO KNEW?? I heard someone else repeating a description of "who" I was and was embarrassed at the high praise heaped upon me and my life.
I have people in my life who also build me and reassure me and in spite of me, love me....The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deffered maketh the heart sick...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life" God works in mysterious ways, while I may not have the strength of others to dream. I do have the trust in God, to believe. I believe He is working for my good! I believe He has a higher purpose in mind! I believe He will give me grace to endure the race set before me! I believe just because I am single doesn't mean I am futureless or hopeless.
Faithfulness. That is my dream for the next 5 years! Faithfulness. If you are single, put your hand to the plow, get involved....work for God and no matter what this fickle life brings or doesn't bring, know this. Hebrews, Chapter 11 - says everything you need to know, read the whole chapter! FAITH=Faithfulness Hebrews 11:39-40 "And these all, having obtained a GOOD REPORT through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect"....continue reading into Hebrews 12.... what ? You think I should do all the work for you? LOL .......In 5 years I wanna hear "By Faith, Tracy"........Give me a good report of a life of faithfulness and I'll be just fine! WE, my single friends...will be just fine, come what may! Don't give up those dreams and visions just yet, just be faithful! God may have to change your desires, to match His will. But, in time your dreams will also adjust to fit His plans!
"Where do you see yourself in five years"?
