Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dream a New Dream


The following blog has been written for awhile, but I’ve been afraid to let anyone else see such an intimate, private part of my life and journey…I am writing this dedicated to my friend and sojourner, Shelisa Doran (she is amazing and I wish we lived closer so we could support each other) …my encouragers Sis. Stephanie McDonald & Kimberly Hall thank you for Speaking Life into me in my darkest hours, you my friends made a difference for me, therefore I have felt compelled to share my small portion, with others perhaps, they too can make a difference for someone.


Speak life

 

One of my blogs….”where do you see yourself in 5 years”….has been a question that haunts me.  It keeps me up at night, well to be more specific, when I can’t sleep that’s what I pontificate.  I have gotten angry at the “asker” of that question.  I feel as if I have lived 100 lifetimes since that question was posed to me a few 6 months or so ago.

Here’s what I have discovered…………..

             Does anyone remember the shame and humiliation of playground rules?? To be picked last for any game, equals the end of your childhood life ~ and at 7years old that is HUGE!  And then when you are finally given to a team (teacher makes them play with you) and your team loses? No matter if it was your fault or the best athlete in the school’s fault, you WILL be the one blamed….it doesn’t even matter if you were sitting on the bench 100ft away, it is YOUR fault!!!  This is what my entire life feels like to be single.

            When I have to listen to the “marrieds” (this is what I shall henceforth dub my married friends) worry, gripe, complain, wring their hands about their husbands, wives, children, cars, pets, jobs, money anything….it takes me back to being the lone one on the field with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, knowing.  Nobody wanted you.  You are standing outside your neighbor’s window listening to them worry about where they are going to keep their Heisman trophy and you didn’t even get picked to play in the game.

             This little metaphor is what it feels like to be single for an extended period of time, every birthday and holiday that rolls around and you are still the “unchosen” one, another dream dies.  To be asked “where I saw myself in 5 years” was an impossible question for me to answer.  I have seen my dreams disappear year after year, none of them coming to pass, how do you “dream-a-new-dream” when that happens?  How do you listen to your friends, as they take their children or spouses for granted or complain about diapers or school or money, when all of their dreams came to pass, yet….they don’t seem to appreciate the reality of it?

             I have literally agonized over trying to “see myself in 5 years” it is something I have been incapable of doing….I have to interject something here.  A few months ago, my pastor, to whom I have nothing but honor and respect for; preached a message that I have to humble myself to say, made me mad!  I have NEVER in my life been mad at a preacher?! I was shocked…at first, I was hurt and bothered by it, but then…well then I got mad! I literally had to repent…I still haven’t repented to him over this, so I publicly do so now.  He preached simply on “setting goals in life”.  The Bible says “Hope deferred, maketh the heart sick…” this heart sickness, is something that becomes so real to you, if you are single! And setting goals for me, now…really? Felt like a set up for another giant disappointment.

            While this may be starting to sound like a bitter diatribe to you, hold on I have a point here, ha.  One of the most important things for a Single to do, is learn to love and allow others to love us.  This may sound simple to you, but after a lifetime of rejections on the “playground” of life.  You learn to go into survival mode.  You learn fight or flight. I have a tendency, if I even "think" you are going to hurt me, I will shut down.  I will pull away, until it is safe or until I can make sure my guard is up, protect myself.  This is called "self-preservation".  It is so easy to let others into our inner circle, when life is going well. But it is LIFE changing to welcome companionship when our dreams have fallen apart.  Our broken places show us at our most vulnerable.  Naturally, we tend to guard those places most, like you would a broken finger, we are so protective of our broken dreams.  But ironically, it is there that we can be most “known”, received and helped…in the valley of the shadow.

            Recently, I have had to not only face my broken dreams, but admit to someone else the reality of having a broken dream of my own, that I had to celebrate with others, when “their” dreams came true.  This was the most difficult thing I have ever done…admit to someone else the truth about my biggest failures.  I expected rejection; mocking, gloating…it was a time my friend could have made herself feel so much better about her life and success.

            Instead, she “spoke-life” to me………She surprised me when she started talking, I expect a 2-minute speech full of cliché’s…instead she continued pouring dreams back into me.  I didn’t know what to say or how to even receive it.  She, told me all the good things about myself I had forgotten due to the “obvious’ failures in me.  She told me how she believed I was in the PERFECT will of God.  She pretty much kicked me in the backside with a few “get-over-your-pity-party” mentalities.  BUT, in 10 minutes, she gave me back my “5-year vision.” 

            Marrieds, when’s the last time you took 5-minutes to look outside your perfect snow-globe and “speak-life” into someone with shattered visions and dreams?  I realize this can apply to all of us in so many areas, but for this blog, for this subject this is Single & Married friends.  Find someone and say something you see them doing in the future.  Give them something to remember that is good about them.  SURE, SURE I know you have it so rough, your kids have a Christmas pageant that you just have to get the PERFECT outfit for and you still haven’t picked out the amazing Christmas gift for your kids’ teachers, because the Smith kids, well they always bring the gifts that the teacher raves about, this year you are going to FIND the gift……all that is true….but seriously, we are talking Life-Changing, possibly for generations to come.  My point is don't ask someone "where do you see yourself in 5 years" but rather tell them what you can see they are capable of, in the next 5 years.  Vocalize what you think they can do.  This may sound trite to you, but to someone who has lost the ability to "visualize" anything good for their life, this can be a life-line.

            Your words bring life or death to those around you and when someone has died internally, things that you can say, will literally bring their dreams back to life.  Recently, we had a dear family member & friend pass away.  Kathy was way to young and way too dear to die before her time.  But what I realized during this time, was I had been so cavalier about death and dying.  I didn’t care if I died.  I can honestly say, I didn’t care if I lived or died.  To be honest with you I had died inside long before…. I heard a story recently of a speaker from Africa, regarding the AIDS epidemic over there.  She said they interviewed women suffering with Aids and something that she heard in one interview changed her forever.  She asked a lady, if you could do anything in the world, and money/time was not a factor what would you do for 1-day?  She replied “I would wish to go into town and just have a day of fun and laughter and food with my friends”.  See, she may have been prisoner in her physical body but had not lost her ability to dream.  She wanted to run and play and feel true freedom, physically.  But I was a prisoner, mentally.  I had lost the will to dream or live.  Seeing and experiencing the anguish of loosing someone way to young I realized, I don’t want to die before I’m dead.  I had to allow myself to dream again.

            Speak life.  Dream a new dream.  God’s dreams for my life are so much bigger than anything I could ever vocalize, visualize or ruin.  I have to be honest…there are still nights that I cannot sleep, but now I write down what I’m going to do in the next 5-years!!!  My heartfelt thanks to my friend Stephanie McDonald, with the Lord’s wisdom and her gentleness with me, she gave me back the strength to believe.  It is still possible for me, to have a new dream. To allow God’s dream for my life, replace what I had lost, and for HIS dreams for me, to become my greatest desires. Even more than any dream I had, that was ever unfulfilled.

            One of my favorite plays is Les Miserable, my favorite line is "Jean Valjean, my brother you no longer belong to evil.  With this silver, I have bought your soul.  I've ransomed you from fear and hatred, and now I give you back to God".  This is what you can do for your friends....ransom them back to life, from the grief and distrust that comes with the disillusionment of broken dreams.  Speak life to their soul.   

Monday, June 11, 2012

On Behalf of Men ~ by Jake Harvey

...I did NOT write this blog today, however I enjoyed reading it so much, I thought I would share with you.  I hope this blesses and encourages you as it did me.





On Behalf of Men...

(Guest Post by Jake Harvey of Single Roots)


     As a single Christian woman, there’s a solid chance you’ve read the book of Ruth.  
Maybe a couple of times, maybe a hundred – heck, you may have even gone through a study of the thing. Ruth is a widow and selflessly dedicates herself to her mother-in-law. Boaz notices her character and dedication, he determines to redeem her, and they get married and have babies.

     The kicker, though, is that she was the one who asked him to marry her. Don’t get ahead of me now. In 3:10-11 Boaz said she had done well in choosing him instead of someone who was younger (and probably dumber, too). He agreed because she was kind and excellent. She had shown her character ran deep.
     This isn’t a lecture to say that you need to be more excellent, have better character and thenyou’ll be redeemed so to speak. (I’ll just say “married” from here on out) I’m saying you probably are an excellent woman of great character and you’d probably make a great wife and mother.
So, you may be asking, “Where’s my Boaz already?!” (Side note: They were relatives, but please don’t apply that to your next family reunion.)
You’ve spent the time praying, studying, reading, praying some more and trying to be proactive to find that Godly man to share your life with, but it hasn’t happened. That’s not a big deal when you’re 25, but as the years go by it may become more of a question of why God hasn’t been faithful to you in the husband department. If you seek the Kingdom first aren’t all those things supposed to be added to you?

     Let’s clarify because it may sound like I’m about to encourage you to be the aggressor, find a man and ask him to marry you. Far from it. Even though things worked out well for Ruth, Boaz may be painted in too lovely a light. After all, it’s a narrative not an exhaustive history.

     Have you considered that Boaz, as dreamy as he was, had gas? Lots of barley and wine isn’t exactly easy on the stomach. And when he was watching the ancient Israel equivalent of football, he didn’t want to listen to Ruth talk about how much she missed living in Moab. I also guarantee he didn’t get up in the middle of the night when little Obed was colicky. Even as good as his characteristics were, Boaz still had some flaws. It’s impossible that he was the perfect husband.

     You know there’s no such thing as a perfect man, but look at how many examples there are in the Bible of women who are excellent. Ruth is one, the Proverbs 31 woman, and Esther is a good one too. Proverbs 12:4 says that an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, so if you’ve been working on being excellent, you would be wasted on a husband who didn’t recognize your value. And that’s exactly what happens when a woman gets the idea that the man she has, or the men she’s friends with, is worth settling for despite major character flaws.

     Men need women. We’re less of a hazard to society and ourselves if we have a good woman who loves us. A man with an excellent wife is made better in every way, but how many women do you know who are burdened by the man they are with? Trying to share a life with a man who wants her to drop a few pounds while not recognizing how excellent she is?

     On behalf of my gender, I must say we’re not all terrible, but women are more likely to be excellent while we’re more likely to be difficult. (Disclaimer: I exclude all MTV programming from my previous statement of excellence.)

     God may be being faithful to you by protecting you from a bad relationship even though the loneliness makes it feel like God is withholding good things from you. You may never be married or you may just not have met your Boaz, but you need to see that your excellence is completely about who you are, not who you’re with.

     If you meet someone who recognizes your qualities then I rejoice with you. But if no man ever does, it doesn’t change the fact that God has made you into a wonderful creature. Your excellence is of far more value than a ring on your finger.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Where Do You See Yourself In The Next Five Years?

...Recently someone posed this question to me.  "Where do you see yourself in the next five years?" I was embarrassed.  ACTUALLY embarrassed...I had no answer, I had no idea!  Honestly? Really? Me? I am sure I sputtered something out, although now I have no idea what I actually said in response.

   Sure, I know spiritually all the reasons I should have spouted off my incredible visions for the next five years? But I drew a blank, completely...my dreams? my future? the lofty dreams of my youth? they were crushed, first into little rocks, then pebbles, then gravel, sand and eventually dust in the wind that blew them out the door, along w/my future.

   I have GRIEVED, the loss of the chance to be a "young" mother or wife, I have grieved the chance to be a mother period...I have grieved my future even ...I have worked very hard to focus on what I have here and now and this one simple question felt like it knocked the wind out of me.  I couldnt stop thinking about it, I am sure I seemed distant that weekend, but it was all I could think about like a song in my head...dum,dum, dum "the next five years" ....I cant stop trying to imagine, the next 5 years, I cant stop trying to conjure up something, anything.....blank darkness invaded my psyche ...I prayed endlessly, surely this means I am not saved?  Surely this has some correlation to the 70 weeks of Daniel and the book of Revelation? I have read, listened to everything I can get my hands on about having vision, sustaining visions......still.......what is wrong with me?

   Sure, I have battled with feelings of inadequacy.  I have sat in a group of women from my church and looked around thinking "wow, I dont even compare..I have nothing to offer...they are all so talented and blessed and have children and futures and LIVES" Someone recently told me, I am good only for being a servant...a donkey...God used a donkey only when necessary.  Someone told me this blog was too transparent, I would be hurt, I was being too honest!  I have been lied to, been lied about...been called viscious mean names.....given up, quit, failed.....me, dream?

   All the while, God has been crushing, molding, stripping, making....recently 3 different times actually I taught in 3 different classes... and I didnt pass out....WHO KNEW?? I heard someone else repeating a description of "who" I was and was embarrassed at the high praise heaped upon me and my life. 

   I have people in my life who also build me and reassure me and in spite of me, love me....The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12  "Hope deffered maketh the heart sick...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life"   God works in mysterious ways, while I may not have the strength of others to dream.  I do have the trust in God, to believe.   I believe He is working for my good!  I believe He has a higher purpose in mind!  I believe He will give me grace to endure the race set before me!  I believe just because I am single doesn't mean I am futureless or hopeless. 
    
   Faithfulness.  That is my dream for the next 5 years!  Faithfulness.  If you are single, put your hand to the plow, get involved....work for God and no matter what this fickle life brings or doesn't bring, know this.  Hebrews, Chapter 11 - says everything you need to know, read the whole chapter! FAITH=Faithfulness Hebrews 11:39-40 "And these all, having obtained a GOOD REPORT through faith, received not the promise:  God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect"....continue reading into Hebrews 12.... what ? You think I should do all the work for you? LOL .......In 5 years I wanna hear "By Faith, Tracy"........Give me a good report of a life of faithfulness and I'll be just fine!  WE, my single friends...will be just fine, come what may! Don't give up those dreams and visions just yet, just be faithful! God may have to change your desires, to match His will.  But, in time your dreams will also adjust to fit His plans! 

   "Where do you see yourself in five years"?