Dream a New Dream

The following blog has been written for awhile, but I’ve been afraid to let anyone else see such an intimate, private part of my life and journey…I am writing this dedicated to my friend and sojourner, Shelisa Doran (she is amazing and I wish we lived closer so we could support each other) …my encouragers Sis. Stephanie McDonald & Kimberly Hall thank you for Speaking Life into me in my darkest hours, you my friends made a difference for me, therefore I have felt compelled to share my small portion, with others perhaps, they too can make a difference for someone.

Speak life

 

One of my blogs….”where do you see yourself in 5 years”….has been a question that haunts me.  It keeps me up at night, well to be more specific, when I can’t sleep that’s what I pontificate.  I have gotten angry at the “asker” of that question.  I feel as if I have lived 100 lifetimes since that question was posed to me a few 6 months or so ago.

Here’s what I have discovered…………..

             Does anyone remember the shame and humiliation of playground rules?? To be picked last for any game, equals the end of your childhood life ~ and at 7years old that is HUGE!  And then when you are finally given to a team (teacher makes them play with you) and your team loses? No matter if it was your fault or the best athlete in the school’s fault, you WILL be the one blamed….it doesn’t even matter if you were sitting on the bench 100ft away, it is YOUR fault!!!  This is what my entire life feels like to be single.

            When I have to listen to the “marrieds” (this is what I shall henceforth dub my married friends) worry, gripe, complain, wring their hands about their husbands, wives, children, cars, pets, jobs, money anything….it takes me back to being the lone one on the field with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, knowing.  Nobody wanted you.  You are standing outside your neighbor’s window listening to them worry about where they are going to keep their Heisman trophy and you didn’t even get picked to play in the game.

             This little metaphor is what it feels like to be single for an extended period of time, every birthday and holiday that rolls around and you are still the “unchosen” one, another dream dies.  To be asked “where I saw myself in 5 years” was an impossible question for me to answer.  I have seen my dreams disappear year after year, none of them coming to pass, how do you “dream-a-new-dream” when that happens?  How do you listen to your friends, as they take their children or spouses for granted or complain about diapers or school or money, when all of their dreams came to pass, yet….they don’t seem to appreciate the reality of it?

             I have literally agonized over trying to “see myself in 5 years” it is something I have been incapable of doing….I have to interject something here.  A few months ago, my pastor, to whom I have nothing but honor and respect for; preached a message that I have to humble myself to say, made me mad!  I have NEVER in my life been mad at a preacher?! I was shocked…at first, I was hurt and bothered by it, but then…well then I got mad! I literally had to repent…I still haven’t repented to him over this, so I publicly do so now.  He preached simply on “setting goals in life”.  The Bible says “Hope deferred, maketh the heart sick…” this heart sickness, is something that becomes so real to you, if you are single! And setting goals for me, now…really? Felt like a set up for another giant disappointment.

            While this may be starting to sound like a bitter diatribe to you, hold on I have a point here, ha.  One of the most important things for a Single to do, is learn to love and allow others to love us.  This may sound simple to you, but after a lifetime of rejections on the “playground” of life.  You learn to go into survival mode.  You learn fight or flight. I have a tendency, if I even "think" you are going to hurt me, I will shut down.  I will pull away, until it is safe or until I can make sure my guard is up, protect myself.  This is called "self-preservation".  It is so easy to let others into our inner circle, when life is going well. But it is LIFE changing to welcome companionship when our dreams have fallen apart.  Our broken places show us at our most vulnerable.  Naturally, we tend to guard those places most, like you would a broken finger, we are so protective of our broken dreams.  But ironically, it is there that we can be most “known”, received and helped…in the valley of the shadow.

            Recently, I have had to not only face my broken dreams, but admit to someone else the reality of having a broken dream of my own, that I had to celebrate with others, when “their” dreams came true.  This was the most difficult thing I have ever done…admit to someone else the truth about my biggest failures.  I expected rejection; mocking, gloating…it was a time my friend could have made herself feel so much better about her life and success.

            Instead, she “spoke-life” to me………She surprised me when she started talking, I expect a 2-minute speech full of cliché’s…instead she continued pouring dreams back into me.  I didn’t know what to say or how to even receive it.  She, told me all the good things about myself I had forgotten due to the “obvious’ failures in me.  She told me how she believed I was in the PERFECT will of God.  She pretty much kicked me in the backside with a few “get-over-your-pity-party” mentalities.  BUT, in 10 minutes, she gave me back my “5-year vision.” 

            Marrieds, when’s the last time you took 5-minutes to look outside your perfect snow-globe and “speak-life” into someone with shattered visions and dreams?  I realize this can apply to all of us in so many areas, but for this blog, for this subject this is Single & Married friends.  Find someone and say something you see them doing in the future.  Give them something to remember that is good about them.  SURE, SURE I know you have it so rough, your kids have a Christmas pageant that you just have to get the PERFECT outfit for and you still haven’t picked out the amazing Christmas gift for your kids’ teachers, because the Smith kids, well they always bring the gifts that the teacher raves about, this year you are going to FIND the gift……all that is true….but seriously, we are talking Life-Changing, possibly for generations to come.  My point is don't ask someone "where do you see yourself in 5 years" but rather tell them what you can see they are capable of, in the next 5 years.  Vocalize what you think they can do.  This may sound trite to you, but to someone who has lost the ability to "visualize" anything good for their life, this can be a life-line.

            Your words bring life or death to those around you and when someone has died internally, things that you can say, will literally bring their dreams back to life.  Recently, we had a dear family member & friend pass away.  Kathy was way to young and way too dear to die before her time.  But what I realized during this time, was I had been so cavalier about death and dying.  I didn’t care if I died.  I can honestly say, I didn’t care if I lived or died.  To be honest with you I had died inside long before…. I heard a story recently of a speaker from Africa, regarding the AIDS epidemic over there.  She said they interviewed women suffering with Aids and something that she heard in one interview changed her forever.  She asked a lady, if you could do anything in the world, and money/time was not a factor what would you do for 1-day?  She replied “I would wish to go into town and just have a day of fun and laughter and food with my friends”.  See, she may have been prisoner in her physical body but had not lost her ability to dream.  She wanted to run and play and feel true freedom, physically.  But I was a prisoner, mentally.  I had lost the will to dream or live.  Seeing and experiencing the anguish of loosing someone way to young I realized, I don’t want to die before I’m dead.  I had to allow myself to dream again.

            Speak life.  Dream a new dream.  God’s dreams for my life are so much bigger than anything I could ever vocalize, visualize or ruin.  I have to be honest…there are still nights that I cannot sleep, but now I write down what I’m going to do in the next 5-years!!!  My heartfelt thanks to my friend Stephanie McDonald, with the Lord’s wisdom and her gentleness with me, she gave me back the strength to believe.  It is still possible for me, to have a new dream. To allow God’s dream for my life, replace what I had lost, and for HIS dreams for me, to become my greatest desires. Even more than any dream I had, that was ever unfulfilled.

            One of my favorite plays is Les Miserable, my favorite line is "Jean Valjean, my brother you no longer belong to evil.  With this silver, I have bought your soul.  I've ransomed you from fear and hatred, and now I give you back to God".  This is what you can do for your friends....ransom them back to life, from the grief and distrust that comes with the disillusionment of broken dreams.  Speak life to their soul.