Adorned on the Inside

The Bible says that "Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing" Prov. 18:22


...It does NOT say "whoso findeth a husband." Also the word "shamefacedness" (I Tim 2:9) means "to be bashful in the presence of the opposite sex."  The godly virgins in the Bible were adorned with a meek and quiet spirit.   "And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.. and the servant had said, It is my master:  therefore she took a vail and covered herself."  (Gen. 24:64-65)


    In today's society of "broken" homes and absentee fathers, so many young men grow up only having a female role model.  Only having been able to identify and look for a woman's approval instead of their fathers and vice/versa for women...thus it seems the roles have been reversed and I am sometimes very disturbed at the boldness of some young ladies towards men these days.  The Bible is clear that the man is to be the head of the household, and, as the God-ordained leader, he should be the first to show interest.


  "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." Isaiah 54:5 I have made a covenant with the Lord, until He sees fit to bring me a husband...He IS my husband. I found this scripture and it prompted me, that the best gift I could give to my future husband is to keep my heart and emotions solely for him.   In staying faithful to him & God in every aspect of my life, I will be prepared when he does come along.  I have made this covenant with the Lord, so that He will protect me not only from getting my hopes up and/or seeking a husband on my own, but if God is the one who fully has my heart and devotion, when/if God sees fit to bring such a companion into my life, I will already be spiritually prepared to give my spouse a godly mate to share our lives together.  A mate who will know how to get ahold of God in times of need, one who already has the Word hidden in her heart and one who will not be tossed about like a wave.  Young ladies, if you do not give yourself unreservedly to God, that Godly young man may not recognize you, when he does come!


    I recently read a story of a young man seeking to be married and his pastor told him " Son, you just run for God.  Run for God with all your might and do not worry about who you will marry.  Just keep your eyes on Jesus.  One day you will look next to you and you will find someone running alongside of you.  That will be your wife."   If you are not actively serving in some form of ministry, I HIGHLY encourage you too, put your hand to the plow and get involved.  If you are putting God and ministry FIRST while you are single and keep your heart, God can bring the right one for your ministry, right to you.  Again...."Connecting to God, Connecting to Ministry, Connecting to Others".


    The Bible says, "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." (Prov. 4:23)  One mistake soo many people make is to get emotionally involved way too soon.   This makes it so hard to hear from God.  You may pray and say "ohh Lord, if this is not your will, show me" then the Lord will allow a separation to come in that relationship and if you are already emotionally involved, YOU will chase after and repair the very thing that YOU ASKED GOD to release you from...crazy, but even I have done this!!!  BE VERY careful to heed the warnings that God tries to give us in this area, I have known so many people that made the wrong decision and their family and ministry suffer leaness, for the rest of their lives!  Do not be Blind or Deaf, to your parents warnings, pastors warnings, friends warnings ....if you do not get a green light in all of these areas, I would immediately put a hold on communications with that relationship and seek God's direction. 


   I once had a young man that I was dating tell me that "No PASTOR was going to tell him, who he could or could not marry" ......."ding,ding, ding"....I immediately heard the warning bells go off in my head and I couldn't help it but the words just popped out of my mouth "I couldn't even imagine, ever marrying someone my pastors DIDNT approve of"....we couldnt even continue the conversation after such a telling revelation, and, I was so grieved in my spirit for him. Unfortunately, we were in a car together and I had to ride with him another 10 min while he tried to cover the uncomfortable silence, with justification for what he had "Meant" to say....I prayed and sought God and immediately began to distance myself from such a relationship. 


    BE VERY VERY careful to listen to those that God has put over your life as spiritual guides.  I have KNOWN SOOO many people that marry someone that seems like a "great person" only later to find out there were hidden sins or awful transgressions in their lives that later, lead to destruction of their marriages and families.  One thing that gets me is, it is always justified with ....it wasnt their fault they ended up in a bad marriage, because well, "I just didnt know, he/she was soo good at hiding things or everyone liked him/her" ....the solution is not to date longer, or get to know them better, sins can be hidden for YEARS...the solution is spending more time with God, asking for Gods direction... God would have told them not to get married, marriage is for a lifetime and once you exchange your marriage vows, that is the RIGHT person for you. 


    The Bible says that the children of Israel "lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tempted God in the desert."  The scary part is that God "...gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul."  Psa (106:14-15)   Be very, very, very <----cannot stress this enough....careful in how you come to God with your request!!!  Ask for HIS will to be done.  Ask for Him to bring you a spouse, if it is His will for your life!  I do not want to be married, only to later find out it was something that, God did not intend for my life and to bring a handicap to what God had intended for my life and/or to lose my salvation entirely.  The Bible says that, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me" John 10:27.  God wants you to marry the right person even more than you want it yourself!

Preparation For Your Destiny!

Psalms 78:70-72 ...."He chose David also his servant and took him from the sheepfolds: From following the ewes great with young, he brought him to feed Jacob his people, and Israel his inheritance....So he fed them according to the integrity of his heart"


   A few weeks ago, I was holding a baby and walking past someone they made the comment "Once a babysitter, always a babysitter...kinda like always a bridesmaid, never a bride".....I just smiled and walked away with no reply.  Now a few years ago, such an intentionally hurtful remark would have sent me into a serious depression.  That night all I felt was compassion and empathy for someone who, just doesnt understand the principles of preparation. 


   I have learned that if you TRUST God with your future, He always has a plan.  He is trying to prepare you for your destiny with each situation, that He entrusts you with.  The Bible says that God had been keeping watch over David while he was just a "shephard boy" tending to the sheep out in the far pastures.  God saw the integrity of his heart and the attentiveness that he showed the animals dependant upon him.  God had been carefully preparing him for the things David would later encounter.  In I Samuel 17: 34-37 David describes how a lion and a bear attacked one of the sheep in his care and he selflessly fought them to save his sheep.  He knew from that experience, that God had prepared him to face the Giant, Goliath.


  Dont begrudge the seemingly little things that God entrusts you with today, He may simply be watching to see how you take care of those things.  He may be trying to equip you to face YOUR Giants to come, knowing you will need the confidence to go down to that valley equipped with only 5 stones and the knowledge that God has surely delivered you before, He will deliver you again! If you cannot pass the small tests that He brings your way, how can He trust you with more responsibilities and the possible trials that come along with ministry?


  If you want to better yourself, find someone in need and serve them.  God is watching and he cannot propel you and prosper you, if He cannot trust you with the "small" things! 


  To all my single friends...I Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh upon the heart."  If you are looking to find a mate, follow the Lords example, look for someone who has integrity in the little things, someone who has a heart after the things of God, who is willing to serve the ministry.  Also if you are looking to find a mate BE someone of integrity. 


  I have heard it said many times, you can always tell the character of a man, by how he treats those that can do absolutely nothing for him in return.  I dont know about you, but I intend to make the most of my "Training Days" ...God has entrusted each of us with SOMETHING, how are you taking care of the "little things"? 
 

Broken Hearts...Wounded spirits

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any may be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Luke 4:18 ..."he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised."

    When we become Christians, God does not expect perfection.  The Bible over and over relates to the fact that we are all in the process of becoming more like "Christ", putting off the old man and old habits.  Thank God, Grace abounds in our hearts and lives!

    However... this normally otherwise, mild-mannered melancholy personality, is quite irritated over one particular behavior that affects "mostly" singles... and that is the dating habits of those fellow christians who live & date without following the Biblical guidelines for dating.

    Have you ever heard the saying "if you are not careful you will go from loving people and using things; to using people and loving things."  This behavior of "USING" others to heal your past wounds and/or broken relationships, just perpetuates the cycle of pain and brokeness.  Each person that you come in contact with, that you injure, in turn injures others.  Like the saying goes ..."hurting people, hurt people".

    Have you ever had someone suddenly show up in your life and sweep you off your feet, only to pull the rug out from under you, by disappearing just as quickly as they came?  What do you do and how do you handle the hurt, when you find out that you were the temporary false-security of an emotionally unstable individual, that used you because they cannot "Be Alone" and/or cannot go without a boyfriend or girlfriend for any length of time?

    How do you recover from the wounds that being used have caused, so you do not turn around and repeat this damaging pattern? This destructive behavior can leave you disillusioned and emotionally fragmented.  If you are NOT blessing someones life, you are cursing it.  Take inventory today of how you are treating others and who you allow in your life.  You can have boundaries, you are valuable enough to say "it is not ok for you to treat me this way" or "I am not ok with how you are making me feel, by this behavior" and put enough value on yourself that you do not allow someone to be in your life, that will bring such damaging emotions upon you. 

     Don't just bounce from relationship to relationship, looking to "heal" yourself.  If you have been wounded, go to the healer of all our broken hearts.  The greek word for "save" is sozo (sodezo), which means to save; to deliver; to protect; to heal; to preserve; to do well; to make or to be made whole.  John 10:10 "The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly".   

    "Date on Purpose"...this means only date someone you would consider a potential mate!  Like it or not, we all affect others that we come in contact with.  Take inventory of yourself today and determine to be a blessing to those that come into contact with your spirit.  Live to bless others and you will be blessed, when is the last time you intentionally blessed someone through your words, a meaningful touch or by giving to them of your time and your attention.  Learn to truly bless and connect with others and you will attract the right "one" who will bless your life and your future together! 

Victim Mentality

*Disclaimer - this blog is in no way designed to exhibit victim mentality.  I didnt mean for anyone to "feel-sorry" for singles, but rather to incite singles to change their own mindset and raise awareness for everyone, on how we treat each other...we are all responsible for our own destiny with God!...thus today's blog addresses "Victim Mentality"

He has given me a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. The Bible says in Habakkuk 3:18 (KJV), “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation”.

Victim Mentality....
Just recently I was talking with someone who was expressing their anger, bitterness and disappointment over a failed relationship. I realized after several days of trying to be understanding and build their confidence back, that really... they didn't want to hear how this would pass and things would get better, they would move on...they just wanted someone to blame so "THEY" were not at fault...OHHHHH MAN did this ever get me to thinking ~ I HAVE SOOO DONE THIS BEFORE!!! As I got to taking inventory of my life and reactions to circumstances in it, I started to see a pattern of victim mentality ALL OVER MYSELF.....uhoh!

    I realized how many singles have victim mentality and do not even realize it?? How many have victim mentality all over their lives and they dont recognize the incredibly damaging affects? It is so easy to fall into a mindset of victim mentality when you are single because, you face such a plethora of rejection, every where you turn. You try to be everything, to everyone, you think if you can be what someone else wants/needs maybe... just maybe that is the key to finding the ever elusive "one"! 

It is believed by many that victim mentality is...

#1. Focusing on what you haven't got

#2. Waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen

#3. Finding excuses and blaming others

    For anyone struggling with rejection, depression, overcoming abuse, trauma and the resulting low self esteem from all that, this list doesn't help at all. This list won't get anyone closer to any solutions. It tells me what NOT to be without addressing the issue of HOW I got there in the first place.

    I have spent years before I really faced my issues, just trying to BE positive; focusing on never having, doing or feeling any of the things on that list.

    One of the most dangerous results from trying to change my attitude before I knew where it came from was that... I learned to take the blame; I learned to be accountable for the mistreatment that I was dealt. I adopted the “positive attitude” that I was responsible for my results, and therefore if I got treated like garbage, this backed up the idea; that it was my own fault!

    That kind of accountability led me to believe what the abusers taught me in the first place; that I deserved it!  I ended up in a serious and chronic series of depressions.

    I realized in my process of emerging from broken into fullness and wholeness, that I had victim mentality all over the place in my life but not exactly the kind of victim mentality that is commonly understood. 

My understanding of victim mentality today is as follows...

#1. Believing that If someone doesn’t seem to like me, it is my fault. (and that it is up to me to make them like me)

#2. When someone says something nasty to me, I think that I have done something to offend them and that I did something to deserve the offensive treatment.

#3. Believing that if I try harder, the abuser will love me and stop hurting me emotionally, physically, spiritually or sexually. (accepting that being hurt by them is my fault, after all.)

#4. Believing that the success of the relationship with another person is totally up to me. Not realizing that I believe they can have boundaries, but I can't.

#5. Believing that love is something that I can earn by being who someone else wants me to be, and spending my energy trying to figure out who that is and spinning about just what they want me to do.

#6. Not considering my own feelings, hopes and dreams or that I can fulfill them; expecting them to be fulfilled by someone else~and doing all of the above to try and make that happen.

#7. One of the most important points of all… Victim mentality is when I think that I can’t make any changes unless THEY say that I can.

    Positive thinking was something that came in really handy and made a positive difference, AFTER I sorted out the foundation of the problem. When I understood "victim mentality" in this new way, I was able to sort things out from a different perspective which was a big key to overcoming the past hurts.

    Keeping in mind that this is not an exercise in negative self talk or in adding shame or guilt to our already sensitive belief systems, simply an effort to help you overcome the past cycles and leading you to a NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!!!
Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time!

Failure to Thrive - Syndrome

Phill 4:11 & 19 ...."for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content".... "But my God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory"

    Truthfully, I dont see how anyone single can be "content" in being alone, we were not designed to be alone in fact studies done on babies that are only "taken-care" of and not able to love and be loved in return, they simply die as a result of a "Failure to thrive".  But we can learn contentment in Christ and yet be divinely discontent.  Willing to follow where He leads, yet praying and communicating making your request known to him.  Isaiah 41:21 "produce your cause saith the Lord, bring forth your strong reasons" tell Him what you want in a mate, communicate your hearts desires, God cannot give you what you do not ask for. 

    I read a blog about crying being the only communication that babies have, they don't cry to manipulate, they simply cry to communicate their needs.  However, a baby will quickly learn if his cries are not responded to, the bond of trust with his parents will be broken and they will over time shut down, they will quit crying...parents may view this as having a good baby, who never cries.  But that same child, will grow up and have trust issues in relationships and with GOD, that will leave everyone scratching their heads, what happened to my perfect baby?  When your basic needs are not met and those who are God ordained to care for you, reject you, something inside of you dies ...sometimes don't you feel as if you have a syndrome related to the failure to thrive??

    This reminds me of Adam in the Garden of Eden, even he being the first human, recognized and communicated his need for companionship, not ever having known any other humans he KNEW he needed someone to be with.  Genesis 2:18 "The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone"  I heard a message preached by T.D. Jakes where he explains that ADOM or Adam was formed in the image and likeness of God; God is neither male nor female and Adam formed in his image was both..he was complete and whole in one being <male and female>....when God removed the "rib" from Adams side, he described how the translation of this act was simply that God was removing the female parts from within Adam and created Eve...we are literally NOT WHOLE without our perfect counterpart male/female.  This is why marriage and the bonds of sex are so powerful, when you come together in marriage, you are literally being put back into a state of wholeness.  That is what God intended each of us to experience in order to be like Him.

    HOWEVER as a side note of purity and commitment to God's commands to "Flee fornication" I recently read a study based on the power of touch and sexual intimacy.  There is no innocence in kissing and/or even holding hands....personally I recommend if you are just dating ~ wait until there is an engagement or promise to be married.  This study was written by a non-christian and she is a PH.D. who said our brains are designed to release the hormones oxytocin and dopamine during sexual relations in order to bond you with your partner, these are the same hormones released in women with their babies, that bonds mother/child.  However ANY sexual contact even in innocence such as holding hands, touching, kissing, hugging, releases these hormones and can & will bond you to that person and it makes "breaking" up with someone so extremely hard to do and can even cause you to marry the WRONG PERSON simply because you are bonded with someone that is entirely wrong for you and will spend a lifetime of regret and wondering how did this marriage turn out so badly??!!!  These two hormones are the same ones that are released during drug & alcohol usage and are the hormones that actually causes a person to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex ....it is no wonder our society is so messed up and hurting.  God's orders to wait until marriage are not to "deny" us anything, but rather to protect us from a lifetime of hurts, anger and disappointments!

    As singles however, our need for friends and other human contact is even more desperate because we may go days even months without ever receiving any type of physical contact.  This is even more dangerous for women as one of the very basic needs of a woman is meaningful touch...this need does not just apply to married women, however it is most often taught in context to a marital-sexual relationship, singles need non-sexual MEANINGFUL TOUCHES just as much.

  

    The other day a friend of mine leaned across the chair and patted me on the back as she was telling me something, I recoiled from the unfamiliar touch and yet inside I was instantly so in-tuned to what she was saying to me?? I started thinking how often do i automatically tune people out and really dont hear what they are saying to me, because I am so deficit of physical touch...it is very rare that anyone touches a single adult person.  It is extremely rare in today's society that anyone hugs you!  And if you are not careful you will begin to shut down and exhibit a "failure to thrive".  My new friend i have simply dubbed as the  "single-lady whisperer" lol...said to me, "come here, lets just sit down, I want to talk to you"....I didn't know what to say, I sheepishly followed, no one ever wants to just talk to me, hear from me, connect with me; sure if THEY have a need that I can meet, but this was new, this was simply friends communicating.  I didn't know how to react, my "crying-out" mechanism had been shut down, how do I do this??  She patted the seat next to her and simply said ..."lets talk" I could have cried and she had no idea....we connected!

    The danger of the "failure to thrive" syndrome is the more isolated that you become, the more your basic needs of human companionship and interaction are denied, the less you will be able to even connect with God.  Your heart becomes hardened and your sensitivity to God & others becomes impossible to feel.  Our church has a saying "Connecting to God, Connecting to Others, Connecting to Ministry"

    As a single adult, I feel I have been through all the stages of "long-term singleness" (<--- is that a term? lol ) depression, denial, withdrawal and recovery...I am here to tell you, your answer is ONLY in CHRIST.......and connecting to God, others & ministry!  

     I have mentioned this in a few of my facebook statuses, this past 4th of July I was invited to a BBQ, I was hesitant to even attend, I knew I would probably be one of a few singles in attendance.  But the gracious host herself was single and therefore I felt safe and decided to attend!  It turned out to be the best day of my life......at first it was just friends sitting around talking, laughing, soaking up the sun.  Then I noticed as we were talking someone would follow up another's comment, with a compliment.  If someone mentioned something, it was like "wow, you are really smart, how did you know about that" or "you are always so funny and expressive"  or "you are such a great story-teller" I started to watch as everyone in turned said nice things to each other.  We became more open, more willing to talk about our secrets and pain, more vulnerable as this was a sacred time, a circle of trust.  It started with simple compliments and turned into a time of ministering to each others needs, we all walked away feeling so much better about ourselves and our lives, our desires and ultimately our destiny.

    How many times, (have I?) do singles deny themselves of their "Best Days" because they are afraid of rejection and being the only single-outkast in the vast majority of married's.  I am here today to say, take the plunge, take the risk, reach out to someone today and compliment them with a kind word, pat on the back or sincere bear-hug...You don't know who has the power to meet your needs and change your life! 

     I truly believe the only way to break the curse of the "Failure to Thrive" syndrome is to "Connect to God, Connect to Others, Connect to Ministry"

p.s. - I have to thank my pastor & his wife for teaching me this extremely valuable lesson, even if it took them YEARS to get me to truly understand why! Thank God they have patience lol.... 

The Single Lady Whisperer

Well I recently met another Christian single young lady and as we started talking, I found myself hesitating to say certain things and in my hesistation, she would finish my thoughts? I was in awe ...how/where/when could she have heard or known what I was going to say?? Was it really possible that even with some 3,500 miles seperating us and having met only once some 10-15 years before, that we had experienced the same issues, the same rejections even the <gasp> same predjudices? ?


I wondered could this be the Single Lady Whisperer??? Did she really know all the thoughts and intents of my heart like the LORD? LOL.....OR was it simply possible that because we are unmarried in a culture of Christianity centered around couples and families that we are treated the same, struggle with the same identity crisis and therefore somehow have experienced the same life? (She encouraged me so much in the Lord, to find joy in singleness and this blog is dedicated to her thoughtfulness, prayers and understanding.  She turned my mindset around - thank you girl! She also gave me a word from the Lord that was very timely indeed!)


So, with that in mind, I wondered.....is there others out there?? If her & I have gone through this experience, then surely it is possible that you too have felt the "sting" of being treated like you are perhaps still in high school, simply because your peers no longer view you as equal.  You haven't experienced the trials of marriage, the joys of childbirth and the trials of child rearing...how could you possibly have anything to add to the conversation?  You are treated like an outsider, because the "Married-Ladies" simply have nothing to talk to you about, they have forgotten how to talk about anything besides their husband and children, somehow they have lost themselves and yet WE are viewed as shallow?   You are viewed as the potential adulteress that would steal their husbands, therefore having you at any "Family" function is taboo.  They certainly dont want you standing around talking with the men folk, the women have nothing to say to you and if you decide to attend...you are seated at the children's table and/or expected to babysit while the "adults" in the room talk. 

You are always greeted with the phrase intended as a joke, yet comes across as a slap in the face "Got a hot date tonight"????? Like all you do is date random men, just hoping that you will win the Blind-Date Russian Roulette!! Or the equally stinging question..."You are STILL NOT married" as if you have a rare and possibly contagious disease that they will need to keep their children away from. I also love the "Wow, didnt you ever want to have kids?" as if, not being married and not having kids was your ultimate goal in life?  Don't get me wrong maybe for some of you that was the goal, however for most of us.....Life Just Turned Out This Way!


Truthfully, all I want is to be treated as normal rather than the outcast, as if I may have something to add to the conversation, I am tired of being flat out ignored.  I dont mean this as a rant towards my "married" friends, most of mine are so very gracious and kind.  I intended to write this blog as a "Singles-Awareness" page. 

Friends of mine have children with Autism and are always trying to raise awareness on how to treat them, what to say, the right questions to ask, as most people are uncomfortable with a diagnosis that they just dont understand and/or just cannot relate to.....being single in a world of marriage is kinda like having Autism, you are sometimes socially awkward, there are times you just want to stare at the floor, other times you just dont fit in with the other "kids" and everyone knows it, its just no one knows what to say.....there are times when I have hated myself and my life and want to stand and disappear in the crowd, or if there was a way I could turn invisible I would have chosen THAT as my super-power!

However, as a Christian, I believe my steps are ordered of the Lord.  I have entrusted my future to Him and I have a promise of a great life and while entrusting Him with my dreams He has promised to give me the desires of my heart.  I have a commandment that I will have Joy and a life...no not just a "life" but that I would have life MORE abundant!!  I know that if and when God chooses to entrust me with the gift of marriage, that I will do my best to live every day to be the wife the Lord commands.  Yet, I hope to stay mindful of the needs of others; children, youth, singles, seniors, each age offers a struggle of a new kind and sometimes all that is necessary is a kind word, a hand on the shoulder and a statement like "I sure like being around you"!