Dream a New Dream

The following blog has been written for awhile, but I’ve been afraid to let anyone else see such an intimate, private part of my life and journey…I am writing this dedicated to my friend and sojourner, Shelisa Doran (she is amazing and I wish we lived closer so we could support each other) …my encouragers Sis. Stephanie McDonald & Kimberly Hall thank you for Speaking Life into me in my darkest hours, you my friends made a difference for me, therefore I have felt compelled to share my small portion, with others perhaps, they too can make a difference for someone.

Speak life

 

One of my blogs….”where do you see yourself in 5 years”….has been a question that haunts me.  It keeps me up at night, well to be more specific, when I can’t sleep that’s what I pontificate.  I have gotten angry at the “asker” of that question.  I feel as if I have lived 100 lifetimes since that question was posed to me a few 6 months or so ago.

Here’s what I have discovered…………..

             Does anyone remember the shame and humiliation of playground rules?? To be picked last for any game, equals the end of your childhood life ~ and at 7years old that is HUGE!  And then when you are finally given to a team (teacher makes them play with you) and your team loses? No matter if it was your fault or the best athlete in the school’s fault, you WILL be the one blamed….it doesn’t even matter if you were sitting on the bench 100ft away, it is YOUR fault!!!  This is what my entire life feels like to be single.

            When I have to listen to the “marrieds” (this is what I shall henceforth dub my married friends) worry, gripe, complain, wring their hands about their husbands, wives, children, cars, pets, jobs, money anything….it takes me back to being the lone one on the field with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, knowing.  Nobody wanted you.  You are standing outside your neighbor’s window listening to them worry about where they are going to keep their Heisman trophy and you didn’t even get picked to play in the game.

             This little metaphor is what it feels like to be single for an extended period of time, every birthday and holiday that rolls around and you are still the “unchosen” one, another dream dies.  To be asked “where I saw myself in 5 years” was an impossible question for me to answer.  I have seen my dreams disappear year after year, none of them coming to pass, how do you “dream-a-new-dream” when that happens?  How do you listen to your friends, as they take their children or spouses for granted or complain about diapers or school or money, when all of their dreams came to pass, yet….they don’t seem to appreciate the reality of it?

             I have literally agonized over trying to “see myself in 5 years” it is something I have been incapable of doing….I have to interject something here.  A few months ago, my pastor, to whom I have nothing but honor and respect for; preached a message that I have to humble myself to say, made me mad!  I have NEVER in my life been mad at a preacher?! I was shocked…at first, I was hurt and bothered by it, but then…well then I got mad! I literally had to repent…I still haven’t repented to him over this, so I publicly do so now.  He preached simply on “setting goals in life”.  The Bible says “Hope deferred, maketh the heart sick…” this heart sickness, is something that becomes so real to you, if you are single! And setting goals for me, now…really? Felt like a set up for another giant disappointment.

            While this may be starting to sound like a bitter diatribe to you, hold on I have a point here, ha.  One of the most important things for a Single to do, is learn to love and allow others to love us.  This may sound simple to you, but after a lifetime of rejections on the “playground” of life.  You learn to go into survival mode.  You learn fight or flight. I have a tendency, if I even "think" you are going to hurt me, I will shut down.  I will pull away, until it is safe or until I can make sure my guard is up, protect myself.  This is called "self-preservation".  It is so easy to let others into our inner circle, when life is going well. But it is LIFE changing to welcome companionship when our dreams have fallen apart.  Our broken places show us at our most vulnerable.  Naturally, we tend to guard those places most, like you would a broken finger, we are so protective of our broken dreams.  But ironically, it is there that we can be most “known”, received and helped…in the valley of the shadow.

            Recently, I have had to not only face my broken dreams, but admit to someone else the reality of having a broken dream of my own, that I had to celebrate with others, when “their” dreams came true.  This was the most difficult thing I have ever done…admit to someone else the truth about my biggest failures.  I expected rejection; mocking, gloating…it was a time my friend could have made herself feel so much better about her life and success.

            Instead, she “spoke-life” to me………She surprised me when she started talking, I expect a 2-minute speech full of cliché’s…instead she continued pouring dreams back into me.  I didn’t know what to say or how to even receive it.  She, told me all the good things about myself I had forgotten due to the “obvious’ failures in me.  She told me how she believed I was in the PERFECT will of God.  She pretty much kicked me in the backside with a few “get-over-your-pity-party” mentalities.  BUT, in 10 minutes, she gave me back my “5-year vision.” 

            Marrieds, when’s the last time you took 5-minutes to look outside your perfect snow-globe and “speak-life” into someone with shattered visions and dreams?  I realize this can apply to all of us in so many areas, but for this blog, for this subject this is Single & Married friends.  Find someone and say something you see them doing in the future.  Give them something to remember that is good about them.  SURE, SURE I know you have it so rough, your kids have a Christmas pageant that you just have to get the PERFECT outfit for and you still haven’t picked out the amazing Christmas gift for your kids’ teachers, because the Smith kids, well they always bring the gifts that the teacher raves about, this year you are going to FIND the gift……all that is true….but seriously, we are talking Life-Changing, possibly for generations to come.  My point is don't ask someone "where do you see yourself in 5 years" but rather tell them what you can see they are capable of, in the next 5 years.  Vocalize what you think they can do.  This may sound trite to you, but to someone who has lost the ability to "visualize" anything good for their life, this can be a life-line.

            Your words bring life or death to those around you and when someone has died internally, things that you can say, will literally bring their dreams back to life.  Recently, we had a dear family member & friend pass away.  Kathy was way to young and way too dear to die before her time.  But what I realized during this time, was I had been so cavalier about death and dying.  I didn’t care if I died.  I can honestly say, I didn’t care if I lived or died.  To be honest with you I had died inside long before…. I heard a story recently of a speaker from Africa, regarding the AIDS epidemic over there.  She said they interviewed women suffering with Aids and something that she heard in one interview changed her forever.  She asked a lady, if you could do anything in the world, and money/time was not a factor what would you do for 1-day?  She replied “I would wish to go into town and just have a day of fun and laughter and food with my friends”.  See, she may have been prisoner in her physical body but had not lost her ability to dream.  She wanted to run and play and feel true freedom, physically.  But I was a prisoner, mentally.  I had lost the will to dream or live.  Seeing and experiencing the anguish of loosing someone way to young I realized, I don’t want to die before I’m dead.  I had to allow myself to dream again.

            Speak life.  Dream a new dream.  God’s dreams for my life are so much bigger than anything I could ever vocalize, visualize or ruin.  I have to be honest…there are still nights that I cannot sleep, but now I write down what I’m going to do in the next 5-years!!!  My heartfelt thanks to my friend Stephanie McDonald, with the Lord’s wisdom and her gentleness with me, she gave me back the strength to believe.  It is still possible for me, to have a new dream. To allow God’s dream for my life, replace what I had lost, and for HIS dreams for me, to become my greatest desires. Even more than any dream I had, that was ever unfulfilled.

            One of my favorite plays is Les Miserable, my favorite line is "Jean Valjean, my brother you no longer belong to evil.  With this silver, I have bought your soul.  I've ransomed you from fear and hatred, and now I give you back to God".  This is what you can do for your friends....ransom them back to life, from the grief and distrust that comes with the disillusionment of broken dreams.  Speak life to their soul.   

On Behalf of Men ~ by Jake Harvey

...I did NOT write this blog today, however I enjoyed reading it so much, I thought I would share with you.  I hope this blesses and encourages you as it did me.

On Behalf of Men...

(Guest Post by Jake Harvey of Single Roots)

     As a single Christian woman, there’s a solid chance you’ve read the book of Ruth.  
Maybe a couple of times, maybe a hundred – heck, you may have even gone through a study of the thing. Ruth is a widow and selflessly dedicates herself to her mother-in-law. Boaz notices her character and dedication, he determines to redeem her, and they get married and have babies.

     The kicker, though, is that she was the one who asked him to marry her. Don’t get ahead of me now. In 3:10-11 Boaz said she had done well in choosing him instead of someone who was younger (and probably dumber, too). He agreed because she was kind and excellent. She had shown her character ran deep.
     This isn’t a lecture to say that you need to be more excellent, have better character and thenyou’ll be redeemed so to speak. (I’ll just say “married” from here on out) I’m saying you probably are an excellent woman of great character and you’d probably make a great wife and mother.
So, you may be asking, “Where’s my Boaz already?!” (Side note: They were relatives, but please don’t apply that to your next family reunion.)
You’ve spent the time praying, studying, reading, praying some more and trying to be proactive to find that Godly man to share your life with, but it hasn’t happened. That’s not a big deal when you’re 25, but as the years go by it may become more of a question of why God hasn’t been faithful to you in the husband department. If you seek the Kingdom first aren’t all those things supposed to be added to you?

     Let’s clarify because it may sound like I’m about to encourage you to be the aggressor, find a man and ask him to marry you. Far from it. Even though things worked out well for Ruth, Boaz may be painted in too lovely a light. After all, it’s a narrative not an exhaustive history.

     Have you considered that Boaz, as dreamy as he was, had gas? Lots of barley and wine isn’t exactly easy on the stomach. And when he was watching the ancient Israel equivalent of football, he didn’t want to listen to Ruth talk about how much she missed living in Moab. I also guarantee he didn’t get up in the middle of the night when little Obed was colicky. Even as good as his characteristics were, Boaz still had some flaws. It’s impossible that he was the perfect husband.

     You know there’s no such thing as a perfect man, but look at how many examples there are in the Bible of women who are excellent. Ruth is one, the Proverbs 31 woman, and Esther is a good one too. Proverbs 12:4 says that an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, so if you’ve been working on being excellent, you would be wasted on a husband who didn’t recognize your value. And that’s exactly what happens when a woman gets the idea that the man she has, or the men she’s friends with, is worth settling for despite major character flaws.

     Men need women. We’re less of a hazard to society and ourselves if we have a good woman who loves us. A man with an excellent wife is made better in every way, but how many women do you know who are burdened by the man they are with? Trying to share a life with a man who wants her to drop a few pounds while not recognizing how excellent she is?

     On behalf of my gender, I must say we’re not all terrible, but women are more likely to be excellent while we’re more likely to be difficult. (Disclaimer: I exclude all MTV programming from my previous statement of excellence.)

     God may be being faithful to you by protecting you from a bad relationship even though the loneliness makes it feel like God is withholding good things from you. You may never be married or you may just not have met your Boaz, but you need to see that your excellence is completely about who you are, not who you’re with.

     If you meet someone who recognizes your qualities then I rejoice with you. But if no man ever does, it doesn’t change the fact that God has made you into a wonderful creature. Your excellence is of far more value than a ring on your finger.

Where Do You See Yourself In The Next Five Years?

...Recently someone posed this question to me.  "Where do you see yourself in the next five years?" I was embarrassed.  ACTUALLY embarrassed...I had no answer, I had no idea!  Honestly? Really? Me? I am sure I sputtered something out, although now I have no idea what I actually said in response.

   Sure, I know spiritually all the reasons I should have spouted off my incredible visions for the next five years? But I drew a blank, completely...my dreams? my future? the lofty dreams of my youth? they were crushed, first into little rocks, then pebbles, then gravel, sand and eventually dust in the wind that blew them out the door, along w/my future.

   I have GRIEVED, the loss of the chance to be a "young" mother or wife, I have grieved the chance to be a mother period...I have grieved my future even ...I have worked very hard to focus on what I have here and now and this one simple question felt like it knocked the wind out of me.  I couldnt stop thinking about it, I am sure I seemed distant that weekend, but it was all I could think about like a song in my head...dum,dum, dum "the next five years" ....I cant stop trying to imagine, the next 5 years, I cant stop trying to conjure up something, anything.....blank darkness invaded my psyche ...I prayed endlessly, surely this means I am not saved?  Surely this has some correlation to the 70 weeks of Daniel and the book of Revelation? I have read, listened to everything I can get my hands on about having vision, sustaining visions......still.......what is wrong with me?

   Sure, I have battled with feelings of inadequacy.  I have sat in a group of women from my church and looked around thinking "wow, I dont even compare..I have nothing to offer...they are all so talented and blessed and have children and futures and LIVES" Someone recently told me, I am good only for being a servant...a donkey...God used a donkey only when necessary.  Someone told me this blog was too transparent, I would be hurt, I was being too honest!  I have been lied to, been lied about...been called viscious mean names.....given up, quit, failed.....me, dream?

   All the while, God has been crushing, molding, stripping, making....recently 3 different times actually I taught in 3 different classes... and I didnt pass out....WHO KNEW?? I heard someone else repeating a description of "who" I was and was embarrassed at the high praise heaped upon me and my life. 

   I have people in my life who also build me and reassure me and in spite of me, love me....The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12  "Hope deffered maketh the heart sick...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life"   God works in mysterious ways, while I may not have the strength of others to dream.  I do have the trust in God, to believe.   I believe He is working for my good!  I believe He has a higher purpose in mind!  I believe He will give me grace to endure the race set before me!  I believe just because I am single doesn't mean I am futureless or hopeless. 
    
   Faithfulness.  That is my dream for the next 5 years!  Faithfulness.  If you are single, put your hand to the plow, get involved....work for God and no matter what this fickle life brings or doesn't bring, know this.  Hebrews, Chapter 11 - says everything you need to know, read the whole chapter! FAITH=Faithfulness Hebrews 11:39-40 "And these all, having obtained a GOOD REPORT through faith, received not the promise:  God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect"....continue reading into Hebrews 12.... what ? You think I should do all the work for you? LOL .......In 5 years I wanna hear "By Faith, Tracy"........Give me a good report of a life of faithfulness and I'll be just fine!  WE, my single friends...will be just fine, come what may! Don't give up those dreams and visions just yet, just be faithful! God may have to change your desires, to match His will.  But, in time your dreams will also adjust to fit His plans! 

   "Where do you see yourself in five years"?
 

Adorned on the Inside

The Bible says that "Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing" Prov. 18:22


...It does NOT say "whoso findeth a husband." Also the word "shamefacedness" (I Tim 2:9) means "to be bashful in the presence of the opposite sex."  The godly virgins in the Bible were adorned with a meek and quiet spirit.   "And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.. and the servant had said, It is my master:  therefore she took a vail and covered herself."  (Gen. 24:64-65)


    In today's society of "broken" homes and absentee fathers, so many young men grow up only having a female role model.  Only having been able to identify and look for a woman's approval instead of their fathers and vice/versa for women...thus it seems the roles have been reversed and I am sometimes very disturbed at the boldness of some young ladies towards men these days.  The Bible is clear that the man is to be the head of the household, and, as the God-ordained leader, he should be the first to show interest.


  "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." Isaiah 54:5 I have made a covenant with the Lord, until He sees fit to bring me a husband...He IS my husband. I found this scripture and it prompted me, that the best gift I could give to my future husband is to keep my heart and emotions solely for him.   In staying faithful to him & God in every aspect of my life, I will be prepared when he does come along.  I have made this covenant with the Lord, so that He will protect me not only from getting my hopes up and/or seeking a husband on my own, but if God is the one who fully has my heart and devotion, when/if God sees fit to bring such a companion into my life, I will already be spiritually prepared to give my spouse a godly mate to share our lives together.  A mate who will know how to get ahold of God in times of need, one who already has the Word hidden in her heart and one who will not be tossed about like a wave.  Young ladies, if you do not give yourself unreservedly to God, that Godly young man may not recognize you, when he does come!


    I recently read a story of a young man seeking to be married and his pastor told him " Son, you just run for God.  Run for God with all your might and do not worry about who you will marry.  Just keep your eyes on Jesus.  One day you will look next to you and you will find someone running alongside of you.  That will be your wife."   If you are not actively serving in some form of ministry, I HIGHLY encourage you too, put your hand to the plow and get involved.  If you are putting God and ministry FIRST while you are single and keep your heart, God can bring the right one for your ministry, right to you.  Again...."Connecting to God, Connecting to Ministry, Connecting to Others".


    The Bible says, "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." (Prov. 4:23)  One mistake soo many people make is to get emotionally involved way too soon.   This makes it so hard to hear from God.  You may pray and say "ohh Lord, if this is not your will, show me" then the Lord will allow a separation to come in that relationship and if you are already emotionally involved, YOU will chase after and repair the very thing that YOU ASKED GOD to release you from...crazy, but even I have done this!!!  BE VERY careful to heed the warnings that God tries to give us in this area, I have known so many people that made the wrong decision and their family and ministry suffer leaness, for the rest of their lives!  Do not be Blind or Deaf, to your parents warnings, pastors warnings, friends warnings ....if you do not get a green light in all of these areas, I would immediately put a hold on communications with that relationship and seek God's direction. 


   I once had a young man that I was dating tell me that "No PASTOR was going to tell him, who he could or could not marry" ......."ding,ding, ding"....I immediately heard the warning bells go off in my head and I couldn't help it but the words just popped out of my mouth "I couldn't even imagine, ever marrying someone my pastors DIDNT approve of"....we couldnt even continue the conversation after such a telling revelation, and, I was so grieved in my spirit for him. Unfortunately, we were in a car together and I had to ride with him another 10 min while he tried to cover the uncomfortable silence, with justification for what he had "Meant" to say....I prayed and sought God and immediately began to distance myself from such a relationship. 


    BE VERY VERY careful to listen to those that God has put over your life as spiritual guides.  I have KNOWN SOOO many people that marry someone that seems like a "great person" only later to find out there were hidden sins or awful transgressions in their lives that later, lead to destruction of their marriages and families.  One thing that gets me is, it is always justified with ....it wasnt their fault they ended up in a bad marriage, because well, "I just didnt know, he/she was soo good at hiding things or everyone liked him/her" ....the solution is not to date longer, or get to know them better, sins can be hidden for YEARS...the solution is spending more time with God, asking for Gods direction... God would have told them not to get married, marriage is for a lifetime and once you exchange your marriage vows, that is the RIGHT person for you. 


    The Bible says that the children of Israel "lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tempted God in the desert."  The scary part is that God "...gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul."  Psa (106:14-15)   Be very, very, very <----cannot stress this enough....careful in how you come to God with your request!!!  Ask for HIS will to be done.  Ask for Him to bring you a spouse, if it is His will for your life!  I do not want to be married, only to later find out it was something that, God did not intend for my life and to bring a handicap to what God had intended for my life and/or to lose my salvation entirely.  The Bible says that, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me" John 10:27.  God wants you to marry the right person even more than you want it yourself!

Preparation For Your Destiny!

Psalms 78:70-72 ...."He chose David also his servant and took him from the sheepfolds: From following the ewes great with young, he brought him to feed Jacob his people, and Israel his inheritance....So he fed them according to the integrity of his heart"


   A few weeks ago, I was holding a baby and walking past someone they made the comment "Once a babysitter, always a babysitter...kinda like always a bridesmaid, never a bride".....I just smiled and walked away with no reply.  Now a few years ago, such an intentionally hurtful remark would have sent me into a serious depression.  That night all I felt was compassion and empathy for someone who, just doesnt understand the principles of preparation. 


   I have learned that if you TRUST God with your future, He always has a plan.  He is trying to prepare you for your destiny with each situation, that He entrusts you with.  The Bible says that God had been keeping watch over David while he was just a "shephard boy" tending to the sheep out in the far pastures.  God saw the integrity of his heart and the attentiveness that he showed the animals dependant upon him.  God had been carefully preparing him for the things David would later encounter.  In I Samuel 17: 34-37 David describes how a lion and a bear attacked one of the sheep in his care and he selflessly fought them to save his sheep.  He knew from that experience, that God had prepared him to face the Giant, Goliath.


  Dont begrudge the seemingly little things that God entrusts you with today, He may simply be watching to see how you take care of those things.  He may be trying to equip you to face YOUR Giants to come, knowing you will need the confidence to go down to that valley equipped with only 5 stones and the knowledge that God has surely delivered you before, He will deliver you again! If you cannot pass the small tests that He brings your way, how can He trust you with more responsibilities and the possible trials that come along with ministry?


  If you want to better yourself, find someone in need and serve them.  God is watching and he cannot propel you and prosper you, if He cannot trust you with the "small" things! 


  To all my single friends...I Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh upon the heart."  If you are looking to find a mate, follow the Lords example, look for someone who has integrity in the little things, someone who has a heart after the things of God, who is willing to serve the ministry.  Also if you are looking to find a mate BE someone of integrity. 


  I have heard it said many times, you can always tell the character of a man, by how he treats those that can do absolutely nothing for him in return.  I dont know about you, but I intend to make the most of my "Training Days" ...God has entrusted each of us with SOMETHING, how are you taking care of the "little things"? 
 

Broken Hearts...Wounded spirits

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any may be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Luke 4:18 ..."he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised."

    When we become Christians, God does not expect perfection.  The Bible over and over relates to the fact that we are all in the process of becoming more like "Christ", putting off the old man and old habits.  Thank God, Grace abounds in our hearts and lives!

    However... this normally otherwise, mild-mannered melancholy personality, is quite irritated over one particular behavior that affects "mostly" singles... and that is the dating habits of those fellow christians who live & date without following the Biblical guidelines for dating.

    Have you ever heard the saying "if you are not careful you will go from loving people and using things; to using people and loving things."  This behavior of "USING" others to heal your past wounds and/or broken relationships, just perpetuates the cycle of pain and brokeness.  Each person that you come in contact with, that you injure, in turn injures others.  Like the saying goes ..."hurting people, hurt people".

    Have you ever had someone suddenly show up in your life and sweep you off your feet, only to pull the rug out from under you, by disappearing just as quickly as they came?  What do you do and how do you handle the hurt, when you find out that you were the temporary false-security of an emotionally unstable individual, that used you because they cannot "Be Alone" and/or cannot go without a boyfriend or girlfriend for any length of time?

    How do you recover from the wounds that being used have caused, so you do not turn around and repeat this damaging pattern? This destructive behavior can leave you disillusioned and emotionally fragmented.  If you are NOT blessing someones life, you are cursing it.  Take inventory today of how you are treating others and who you allow in your life.  You can have boundaries, you are valuable enough to say "it is not ok for you to treat me this way" or "I am not ok with how you are making me feel, by this behavior" and put enough value on yourself that you do not allow someone to be in your life, that will bring such damaging emotions upon you. 

     Don't just bounce from relationship to relationship, looking to "heal" yourself.  If you have been wounded, go to the healer of all our broken hearts.  The greek word for "save" is sozo (sodezo), which means to save; to deliver; to protect; to heal; to preserve; to do well; to make or to be made whole.  John 10:10 "The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly".   

    "Date on Purpose"...this means only date someone you would consider a potential mate!  Like it or not, we all affect others that we come in contact with.  Take inventory of yourself today and determine to be a blessing to those that come into contact with your spirit.  Live to bless others and you will be blessed, when is the last time you intentionally blessed someone through your words, a meaningful touch or by giving to them of your time and your attention.  Learn to truly bless and connect with others and you will attract the right "one" who will bless your life and your future together! 

Victim Mentality

*Disclaimer - this blog is in no way designed to exhibit victim mentality.  I didnt mean for anyone to "feel-sorry" for singles, but rather to incite singles to change their own mindset and raise awareness for everyone, on how we treat each other...we are all responsible for our own destiny with God!...thus today's blog addresses "Victim Mentality"

He has given me a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. The Bible says in Habakkuk 3:18 (KJV), “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation”.

Victim Mentality....
Just recently I was talking with someone who was expressing their anger, bitterness and disappointment over a failed relationship. I realized after several days of trying to be understanding and build their confidence back, that really... they didn't want to hear how this would pass and things would get better, they would move on...they just wanted someone to blame so "THEY" were not at fault...OHHHHH MAN did this ever get me to thinking ~ I HAVE SOOO DONE THIS BEFORE!!! As I got to taking inventory of my life and reactions to circumstances in it, I started to see a pattern of victim mentality ALL OVER MYSELF.....uhoh!

    I realized how many singles have victim mentality and do not even realize it?? How many have victim mentality all over their lives and they dont recognize the incredibly damaging affects? It is so easy to fall into a mindset of victim mentality when you are single because, you face such a plethora of rejection, every where you turn. You try to be everything, to everyone, you think if you can be what someone else wants/needs maybe... just maybe that is the key to finding the ever elusive "one"! 

It is believed by many that victim mentality is...

#1. Focusing on what you haven't got

#2. Waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen

#3. Finding excuses and blaming others

    For anyone struggling with rejection, depression, overcoming abuse, trauma and the resulting low self esteem from all that, this list doesn't help at all. This list won't get anyone closer to any solutions. It tells me what NOT to be without addressing the issue of HOW I got there in the first place.

    I have spent years before I really faced my issues, just trying to BE positive; focusing on never having, doing or feeling any of the things on that list.

    One of the most dangerous results from trying to change my attitude before I knew where it came from was that... I learned to take the blame; I learned to be accountable for the mistreatment that I was dealt. I adopted the “positive attitude” that I was responsible for my results, and therefore if I got treated like garbage, this backed up the idea; that it was my own fault!

    That kind of accountability led me to believe what the abusers taught me in the first place; that I deserved it!  I ended up in a serious and chronic series of depressions.

    I realized in my process of emerging from broken into fullness and wholeness, that I had victim mentality all over the place in my life but not exactly the kind of victim mentality that is commonly understood. 

My understanding of victim mentality today is as follows...

#1. Believing that If someone doesn’t seem to like me, it is my fault. (and that it is up to me to make them like me)

#2. When someone says something nasty to me, I think that I have done something to offend them and that I did something to deserve the offensive treatment.

#3. Believing that if I try harder, the abuser will love me and stop hurting me emotionally, physically, spiritually or sexually. (accepting that being hurt by them is my fault, after all.)

#4. Believing that the success of the relationship with another person is totally up to me. Not realizing that I believe they can have boundaries, but I can't.

#5. Believing that love is something that I can earn by being who someone else wants me to be, and spending my energy trying to figure out who that is and spinning about just what they want me to do.

#6. Not considering my own feelings, hopes and dreams or that I can fulfill them; expecting them to be fulfilled by someone else~and doing all of the above to try and make that happen.

#7. One of the most important points of all… Victim mentality is when I think that I can’t make any changes unless THEY say that I can.

    Positive thinking was something that came in really handy and made a positive difference, AFTER I sorted out the foundation of the problem. When I understood "victim mentality" in this new way, I was able to sort things out from a different perspective which was a big key to overcoming the past hurts.

    Keeping in mind that this is not an exercise in negative self talk or in adding shame or guilt to our already sensitive belief systems, simply an effort to help you overcome the past cycles and leading you to a NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!!!
Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time!

Failure to Thrive - Syndrome

Phill 4:11 & 19 ...."for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content".... "But my God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory"

    Truthfully, I dont see how anyone single can be "content" in being alone, we were not designed to be alone in fact studies done on babies that are only "taken-care" of and not able to love and be loved in return, they simply die as a result of a "Failure to thrive".  But we can learn contentment in Christ and yet be divinely discontent.  Willing to follow where He leads, yet praying and communicating making your request known to him.  Isaiah 41:21 "produce your cause saith the Lord, bring forth your strong reasons" tell Him what you want in a mate, communicate your hearts desires, God cannot give you what you do not ask for. 

    I read a blog about crying being the only communication that babies have, they don't cry to manipulate, they simply cry to communicate their needs.  However, a baby will quickly learn if his cries are not responded to, the bond of trust with his parents will be broken and they will over time shut down, they will quit crying...parents may view this as having a good baby, who never cries.  But that same child, will grow up and have trust issues in relationships and with GOD, that will leave everyone scratching their heads, what happened to my perfect baby?  When your basic needs are not met and those who are God ordained to care for you, reject you, something inside of you dies ...sometimes don't you feel as if you have a syndrome related to the failure to thrive??

    This reminds me of Adam in the Garden of Eden, even he being the first human, recognized and communicated his need for companionship, not ever having known any other humans he KNEW he needed someone to be with.  Genesis 2:18 "The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone"  I heard a message preached by T.D. Jakes where he explains that ADOM or Adam was formed in the image and likeness of God; God is neither male nor female and Adam formed in his image was both..he was complete and whole in one being <male and female>....when God removed the "rib" from Adams side, he described how the translation of this act was simply that God was removing the female parts from within Adam and created Eve...we are literally NOT WHOLE without our perfect counterpart male/female.  This is why marriage and the bonds of sex are so powerful, when you come together in marriage, you are literally being put back into a state of wholeness.  That is what God intended each of us to experience in order to be like Him.

    HOWEVER as a side note of purity and commitment to God's commands to "Flee fornication" I recently read a study based on the power of touch and sexual intimacy.  There is no innocence in kissing and/or even holding hands....personally I recommend if you are just dating ~ wait until there is an engagement or promise to be married.  This study was written by a non-christian and she is a PH.D. who said our brains are designed to release the hormones oxytocin and dopamine during sexual relations in order to bond you with your partner, these are the same hormones released in women with their babies, that bonds mother/child.  However ANY sexual contact even in innocence such as holding hands, touching, kissing, hugging, releases these hormones and can & will bond you to that person and it makes "breaking" up with someone so extremely hard to do and can even cause you to marry the WRONG PERSON simply because you are bonded with someone that is entirely wrong for you and will spend a lifetime of regret and wondering how did this marriage turn out so badly??!!!  These two hormones are the same ones that are released during drug & alcohol usage and are the hormones that actually causes a person to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex ....it is no wonder our society is so messed up and hurting.  God's orders to wait until marriage are not to "deny" us anything, but rather to protect us from a lifetime of hurts, anger and disappointments!

    As singles however, our need for friends and other human contact is even more desperate because we may go days even months without ever receiving any type of physical contact.  This is even more dangerous for women as one of the very basic needs of a woman is meaningful touch...this need does not just apply to married women, however it is most often taught in context to a marital-sexual relationship, singles need non-sexual MEANINGFUL TOUCHES just as much.

  

    The other day a friend of mine leaned across the chair and patted me on the back as she was telling me something, I recoiled from the unfamiliar touch and yet inside I was instantly so in-tuned to what she was saying to me?? I started thinking how often do i automatically tune people out and really dont hear what they are saying to me, because I am so deficit of physical touch...it is very rare that anyone touches a single adult person.  It is extremely rare in today's society that anyone hugs you!  And if you are not careful you will begin to shut down and exhibit a "failure to thrive".  My new friend i have simply dubbed as the  "single-lady whisperer" lol...said to me, "come here, lets just sit down, I want to talk to you"....I didn't know what to say, I sheepishly followed, no one ever wants to just talk to me, hear from me, connect with me; sure if THEY have a need that I can meet, but this was new, this was simply friends communicating.  I didn't know how to react, my "crying-out" mechanism had been shut down, how do I do this??  She patted the seat next to her and simply said ..."lets talk" I could have cried and she had no idea....we connected!

    The danger of the "failure to thrive" syndrome is the more isolated that you become, the more your basic needs of human companionship and interaction are denied, the less you will be able to even connect with God.  Your heart becomes hardened and your sensitivity to God & others becomes impossible to feel.  Our church has a saying "Connecting to God, Connecting to Others, Connecting to Ministry"

    As a single adult, I feel I have been through all the stages of "long-term singleness" (<--- is that a term? lol ) depression, denial, withdrawal and recovery...I am here to tell you, your answer is ONLY in CHRIST.......and connecting to God, others & ministry!  

     I have mentioned this in a few of my facebook statuses, this past 4th of July I was invited to a BBQ, I was hesitant to even attend, I knew I would probably be one of a few singles in attendance.  But the gracious host herself was single and therefore I felt safe and decided to attend!  It turned out to be the best day of my life......at first it was just friends sitting around talking, laughing, soaking up the sun.  Then I noticed as we were talking someone would follow up another's comment, with a compliment.  If someone mentioned something, it was like "wow, you are really smart, how did you know about that" or "you are always so funny and expressive"  or "you are such a great story-teller" I started to watch as everyone in turned said nice things to each other.  We became more open, more willing to talk about our secrets and pain, more vulnerable as this was a sacred time, a circle of trust.  It started with simple compliments and turned into a time of ministering to each others needs, we all walked away feeling so much better about ourselves and our lives, our desires and ultimately our destiny.

    How many times, (have I?) do singles deny themselves of their "Best Days" because they are afraid of rejection and being the only single-outkast in the vast majority of married's.  I am here today to say, take the plunge, take the risk, reach out to someone today and compliment them with a kind word, pat on the back or sincere bear-hug...You don't know who has the power to meet your needs and change your life! 

     I truly believe the only way to break the curse of the "Failure to Thrive" syndrome is to "Connect to God, Connect to Others, Connect to Ministry"

p.s. - I have to thank my pastor & his wife for teaching me this extremely valuable lesson, even if it took them YEARS to get me to truly understand why! Thank God they have patience lol.... 

The Single Lady Whisperer

Well I recently met another Christian single young lady and as we started talking, I found myself hesitating to say certain things and in my hesistation, she would finish my thoughts? I was in awe ...how/where/when could she have heard or known what I was going to say?? Was it really possible that even with some 3,500 miles seperating us and having met only once some 10-15 years before, that we had experienced the same issues, the same rejections even the <gasp> same predjudices? ?


I wondered could this be the Single Lady Whisperer??? Did she really know all the thoughts and intents of my heart like the LORD? LOL.....OR was it simply possible that because we are unmarried in a culture of Christianity centered around couples and families that we are treated the same, struggle with the same identity crisis and therefore somehow have experienced the same life? (She encouraged me so much in the Lord, to find joy in singleness and this blog is dedicated to her thoughtfulness, prayers and understanding.  She turned my mindset around - thank you girl! She also gave me a word from the Lord that was very timely indeed!)


So, with that in mind, I wondered.....is there others out there?? If her & I have gone through this experience, then surely it is possible that you too have felt the "sting" of being treated like you are perhaps still in high school, simply because your peers no longer view you as equal.  You haven't experienced the trials of marriage, the joys of childbirth and the trials of child rearing...how could you possibly have anything to add to the conversation?  You are treated like an outsider, because the "Married-Ladies" simply have nothing to talk to you about, they have forgotten how to talk about anything besides their husband and children, somehow they have lost themselves and yet WE are viewed as shallow?   You are viewed as the potential adulteress that would steal their husbands, therefore having you at any "Family" function is taboo.  They certainly dont want you standing around talking with the men folk, the women have nothing to say to you and if you decide to attend...you are seated at the children's table and/or expected to babysit while the "adults" in the room talk. 

You are always greeted with the phrase intended as a joke, yet comes across as a slap in the face "Got a hot date tonight"????? Like all you do is date random men, just hoping that you will win the Blind-Date Russian Roulette!! Or the equally stinging question..."You are STILL NOT married" as if you have a rare and possibly contagious disease that they will need to keep their children away from. I also love the "Wow, didnt you ever want to have kids?" as if, not being married and not having kids was your ultimate goal in life?  Don't get me wrong maybe for some of you that was the goal, however for most of us.....Life Just Turned Out This Way!


Truthfully, all I want is to be treated as normal rather than the outcast, as if I may have something to add to the conversation, I am tired of being flat out ignored.  I dont mean this as a rant towards my "married" friends, most of mine are so very gracious and kind.  I intended to write this blog as a "Singles-Awareness" page. 

Friends of mine have children with Autism and are always trying to raise awareness on how to treat them, what to say, the right questions to ask, as most people are uncomfortable with a diagnosis that they just dont understand and/or just cannot relate to.....being single in a world of marriage is kinda like having Autism, you are sometimes socially awkward, there are times you just want to stare at the floor, other times you just dont fit in with the other "kids" and everyone knows it, its just no one knows what to say.....there are times when I have hated myself and my life and want to stand and disappear in the crowd, or if there was a way I could turn invisible I would have chosen THAT as my super-power!

However, as a Christian, I believe my steps are ordered of the Lord.  I have entrusted my future to Him and I have a promise of a great life and while entrusting Him with my dreams He has promised to give me the desires of my heart.  I have a commandment that I will have Joy and a life...no not just a "life" but that I would have life MORE abundant!!  I know that if and when God chooses to entrust me with the gift of marriage, that I will do my best to live every day to be the wife the Lord commands.  Yet, I hope to stay mindful of the needs of others; children, youth, singles, seniors, each age offers a struggle of a new kind and sometimes all that is necessary is a kind word, a hand on the shoulder and a statement like "I sure like being around you"!